Simian Desperados

Rockin Around the XMas Tree!

2011-12-20T08:48:00.002-05:00

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

alien discharge?

2011-12-05T11:23:00.001-05:00

i FINALLY watched The Peacekeeper Wars, the somewhat ad-hoc attempt to wrap up the super cliff-hanger ending of Season 4 of Farscape.

i LOVED Farscape, so it was nice to have some closure; but no matter what i do there is one very disturbing image from The Peacekeeper Wars that i just can't get out of my head.
Aeryn gives birth in a fountain while the entire crew tries to hold off a Scaaren invasion:
http://youtu.be/LlmUpVPo9s8

what is that green cloud that BLOWS out of her at approximately 17 seconds? and just in case you miss the little green poof, she BLOWS out a HUGE white cloud 2 seconds later.
OK- perhaps they were going for an element of realism.
But why? The entire two-hour episode is chock full of fantastically unreal plot devices:

Aeryn's baby was brough to term in Rygel's (an amphibious toad puppet) stomach
John learns to create wormholes with his mind
we meet a new race, the Eidolons, whose faces open like a chinese take-out containers

so why the "discharge"?
i mean, Aeryn is wearing a spandex body suit through the entire birthing process that clearly has no zipper- so where does the baby even come out?
not to mention the fact that Chiana prevents the baby being born breech by yanking on Aeryn's portruding (spandex covered) belly...
Farscape plots were always a bit ridiculous, but that was the fun of this great sci-fi series.

I hope eventually, i will be able to think of Claudia Black again without simultaneously envisioning that vaginal cloud!

The BEST turkeys are VIRTUAL turkeys!

2011-11-30T10:13:00.001-05:00

my partner in everything, Dylan, is my hero- and he doesn't even know it.

i've spent the last 2 Thanksgiving Holidays trying to "wrangle" 200 turkeys to earn my own turkey pet in Bushwhacker (a Facebook app). to my huge dissapointment, i've come up JUST short two years in a row.

Dylan somehow secretly managed to get all 200 turkeys, win the turkey pet, AND convince the game developers to give ME his turkey.
the surprise virtual turkey was in my inventory when i played Bushwhacker this past Monday, and i'm still ecstatic beyond words.

you may think this is all silly. that it's just a free game and i'm completely over-reacting; but i diagree.
as Society works to turn the Winter Holidays into perfectly commercialized money generators, i grow less and less enchanted with the "magic" of the season.
the stress (emotional and financial) of the Holidays can easily overwhelm me.

Dylan has reminded me of the true spirit of the season- his gift cost him time and effort: the e-mail to the game developers was 3 pages long, not to mention the hours spent catching cartoon turkeys hiding in bushes. there's nothing he could ever give me that could make me feel more loved than that.

that's me & the BEST turkey EVER!

but i'm not the only one who received a "gift"- Dylan inspired the game developers to participate in his gesture of generosity. to me, THAT is the true meaning of the Holidays: acts of goodwill that inspire others to acts of goodwill.

i know not everyone wants a virtual turkey pet as much as i did, but as we approach the coldest, darkest time of the calendar year, i hope everyone's mid-Winter Holidays can be filled with illuminating and noble gestures of generosity.

SUBJECT: Recall Notice

2011-11-29T11:03:00.001-05:00

the following message, sent to me by a co-worker, was waiting for me in my work e-mail Inbox on Monday:

RECALL NOTICE FROM GOD:

The Maker of all human beings (GOD) is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart.

This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units, code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units.

This defect has been identified as "Subsequential Internal Non-morality," more commonly known as S.I.N., as it is primarily expressed.

Some of the symptoms include:
1. Loss of direction
2. Foul vocal emissions
3. Amnesia of origin
4. Lack of peace and joy
5. Selfish or violent behavior
6. Depression or confusion
7. Fearfulness
8. Idolatry
9. Rebellion

The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this defect.

The Repair Technician, JESUS, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee required.

The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R. Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure.

Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component. No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:
1. Love
2. Joy
3. Peace
4. Patience
5. Kindness
6. Goodness
7. Faithfulness
8. Gentleness
9. Self control

Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. (BEST Instructions Before Leaving Earth) for further details on the use of these fixes.

WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list, and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded. For free emergency service, call on Jesus.

DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility. Thank you for your attention!

-GOD

P.S. Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice, and you may contact the Father any time by 'Knee mail'!
Because HE Lives!
Have a wonderful day!

it being the Holiday Season and all, i expect to deal with a resonable amount of christian "fellowship" in the workplace, but this message reminded me of EVERYTHING that makes me uncomfortable with christians and their (incessant need to burden others with their) faith.

i am NOT defective. i do NOT need to be repaired.
i will NOT be scrapped as a possible contaminant because i refuse to beg an imaginary being to absolve me of any guilt or repsonsibility for mistakes i may have made.

i believe i already have all the answers, i need only learn to look inside myself.
i believe i possess infinite reserves of two things; love and patience. if Jesus ever intended to leave any type of lasting message with us, it was surely to live life with infinite love and patience - regardless of what any bible my have written in it.

i DARE anyone (especially a woman!) who truly believes that the bible is an instruction manual to try to live by it's oppressive laws of intolerance.
i, on the other hand, will continue to think for myself, take responsibility for my actions, and find peace and happiness in the people and world around me.

Happy Holiday Season, whatever and however you celebrate!

"What good is an incorporeal bridge?"

2011-10-11T10:17:00.000-04:00

Some of the best moments in my life happen while I'm sitting on the couch playing video games.
I owe more than a few of these memories to Claudia Black and her exceptional vocie acting career.

It has become pure joy to approach an NPC to initiate dialogue, and have Claudia's perfect Australian accent come purring out. (squeee!)

So here's to Claudia...
as Morrigan in Dragon Age

as Chloe in Uncharted

as Admiral Xen in Mass Effect

as Mel in Rage

and many, many more fantastic characters!
XXOO!

where does all the $ go?

2011-08-29T14:56:00.003-04:00

H'Ween 2011?

2011-06-08T15:20:00.002-04:00

i'm NEVER going to Woodsboro

2011-05-04T08:44:00.011-04:00

Dylan and i have a habit of non-traditionalism when it comes to celebrations of any sort.

We replaced our New Year's champagne toast with a tremendous midnight ice cream sundae (WAY more decadent), had nachos for easter dinner (thanks Laura!), and yes- our XMas tree is still up (we like using it as low-level lighting to prevent glare on the TV's while playing videogames).

So for the 1 year anniverasry of our first date, Dylan took me to see my first horror film on the big screen: Scream 4 in Digital Projection with Surround Sound.

I didn't actually scream, but i did watch about half of the movie through my shirt- which i kept pulling completely over my head.

The movie ended at about 8:30 PM, and there was NO WAY i was walking through the parking lot to get to my car while any crazy with a knife could be lurking anywhere, so i "popped in" to the very brightly lit video game store and "browsed" until closing at 10.

Too frazzled to make a decision, i just bought everything the clerk lady recommended so she could go home for the night.

Back at our apartment, spare outlets received additional nightlights (there are always 2 but last night there were 4), and the XMAs tree stayed on...

Bread & Oranges

2011-04-20T16:10:00.001-04:00

I woke up this morning wrapped in a tornado of thoughts
which followed me to my bath

My mind frothed, tossed and foamed with thoughts of my father, easter, my mother, momotherapy, corfleas, flea margis, fredit exards, your moffee, cocoeggs…
… and a single stray thought
that this temporary maelstrom is your normal

As I pulled the drain
the tempest quieted
and my only remaining thought was of you

Cassandra Complex

2011-03-30T15:17:00.007-04:00

is it a curse?
in the moment of their creation, I see how things will break

a slide show in fast forward of all the key moments of every human interaction
just how and when these threads once woven, must eventually unravel

the only fact halting my descent into madness, is that
occasionally
I am wrong.

Fish Crackers

2011-03-22T12:12:00.000-04:00

The REST of the Year in Games

2011-03-15T14:14:00.004-04:00

With my first playthrough of Dragon Age II already complete, what’s next?
If you want to know what I’ll be playing for the rest of 2011, here is a draft of the agenda:

inside Alice

2011-02-28T11:18:00.003-05:00

inside Alice there is a caterpillar a queen and a rabbit
perhaps, deep down, she knew
that her sponsor was an addled pervert

inside Me there is smoke and magic
but no admissible evidence
and innocence is as elusive as a cat

oh please, brush the leaves from my hair
before the trial ends

The Land of Khem

2011-02-10T11:05:00.006-05:00

I met you a on the beach a thousand years ago, near the ruins of an ancient temple half returned to the sea.
As I descended the crumbling stone steps, seeking answers only the ocean could give, I looked out to the horizon and saw your magical silhouette.
The setting sun gave you a crystalline aura that took my breath away.

As I approached further, you turned your head in my direction and your eyes glowed with the dark secrets of the abyss.
A blink and you were gone, the last light reflecting off your shimmering fluke.

I waited by the shore for days. I made you a necklace of sea glass and lavender pearls.
When you returned, I spoke first, asking you to live with me. In exchange I offered you the necklace and my heart.
You nodded silently and returned with me to my cottage in the forest among the wild things.

From Our Family to Yours...

2010-12-23T10:40:00.003-05:00

or if you prefer the "countrified" version...

either way- Season's Greetings!

haiku?

2010-11-19T16:21:00.001-05:00

the fog spots you clear
on the mirror are too high
for me to see in

October 2010: Landmark Month

2010-10-28T12:00:00.007-04:00

Two "events" this month will stand out in my memory for some time:

1. I went home for lunch on a work day for the first time EVER! I kept looking around for the camera crew because i felt like i was on a resurrected 80's sitcom. Midday waffles with my family was fanTAStic!

2. I realized i don't actually know how to drive a stick shift. Yes, i own one. Yes, i drive one every day. But i had no idea you could put the car in "neutral" and let go of the clutch- FANtasTIC!

It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards.
-Lewis Carroll

Mermaid

2010-09-09T09:11:00.007-04:00

There is no Poetry in a world governed by fairness.

Poetry, Art, Love…
All of these have their origins in the gaps between the way we imagine the world and our day-to-day experience of it.

Our imagining is inherently aloof and distant:
we are the Director.
(mermaid)
Our experience is inherently confused by conflict:
we are the Actor.
(manatee)

Everything that makes us unique is the result of the gaps between these ever-changing vantage points.
Any conscious attempt to alter either of these perspectives creates a perfect circle −
you can only end up where you started.

Dylan Smith

2010-05-10T14:31:00.003-04:00

He's not my "friend", "roommate" or "boyfriend".

He's my partner, my future husband, my heart and the man who "has my back" during a zombie invasion.

Recipe for a Perfect Sunday...

2010-04-12T14:13:00.021-04:00

a walk with Lola

3 hours of Final Fantasy XIII: this time with the walkthrough in my lap...

a long bath

3 hours of Fallout 3: I killed the Overseer...

a phone call home

3 hours of Ratchet & Clank A Crack in Time: I love using the ChronoScepter to repair things...

Chinese takeout for 3

another walk with Lola

capped off with 3 episodes of Farscape Season 3

too many NOs

2010-01-07T09:31:00.002-05:00

you are a ghost.
in the revealing flashback at the end of the movie, the audience will see i was alone at the restaurant.
years from now they'll find the moldy leftovers of your meal in the back of my refrigerator, behind the milk and Little Debbie snack cakes, and all the pieces will fit together.
i walk in the between spaces, where the veil between the worlds is thin, and i brush against myself.

Seasons Greetings!

2009-12-18T11:37:00.004-05:00

Jack and Lola insisted that i make this an annual holiday tradition.

So here's our 2009 XMas Greeting...

from: Capt. Jack, Lola G. Biscuit and me

Betoots!

2009-11-20T14:51:00.002-05:00

everyone should create their own word at least once (a month).

betoots (bĕ-toots)

-noun Slang
1. adventurous spirit
2. an uncanny ability to introduce new stimuli into a hackneyed environment at exactly the right time
3. the humble sense of humor required to make the most of the aforementioned ability

e.g. meet me at the train station and bring your betoots!

-interjection
1. a salutation or toast meaning: to the whimsical nature of the universe and my microscopic role in its criminally vulgar shyness

Keep Your Head

2009-11-04T10:22:00.007-05:00

Maine joins the ignorant "majority".
murderers don't even need drivers licenses.
there are no miracles and there is no justice.

i choose to no longer identify myself as part of human race.
i'm cancelling my subscription to the collective conscious.

just throw me down the rabbit hole and be done with me.

interpret this!

2009-10-02T09:33:00.006-04:00

there's a very good reason i don't tell other people my dreams. to prove my point, here is what i remember from this morning...

I was walking around a sort of post-apocalyptic desert.
In the distance rose the silhouette of a huge steam-punk castle - a black junkyard mountain against the red ground and sky of an otherwise empty landscape.

I knew that’s where I was headed.
I knew I had to check the door.

A loop of transparent glass ramps led up to the entrance.
The door resembled an enormous broken cog, a half-gear.
At the very top were strange white symbols, written on a pane of glass between two of the teeth, that I knew translated as “Emperor.”
I heard the word in my head spoken with the voice of SkekUng, Garthim-Commander of the Skeksis from The Dark Crystal.

I knew this castle was mine. I went in.

I was in a sort of lobby area that resembled the insides of a whale, à la Kingdom Hearts.
I was offered a tour of the facility by a male receptionist at a host stand.
He introduced me to the facility’s Alternative Energy Expert, Sean McLaughlin, who came through the entrance behind me. We recognized each other and Sean joked that he wasn't sure he was still willing to lead the tour.

Then Rick Cook appeared to my right, where a computer monitor displayed the outside of the “castle.”

(Sean and Rick both recognized me from the “real” world. They both knew who I was- but neither seemed to be aware that the research facility was mine. I was consciously enjoying the anonymity)

Rick told me that a very rare animal called the banana-chaser lived on the exterior walls.

When I looked very closely at the monitor I could just make out a large gecko-like grey shape crawling on the darker grey rock.
I pointed to it and asked if it was camouflaged. Rick responded that the creature was in fact bright-yellow, it was just that the monitor was in black & white.
He adjusted some knobs and the camera change to color and zoomed in on the creature.

I looked and realized the banana-chaser was built like a Muppet.

When I looked at Rick to say something, my alarm went off...

20 Year Retrospective

2009-09-01T14:17:00.008-04:00

looking back on the last 2 decades of my life, brought me to the realization that i can sum it all up with one slightly simplified timeline:

click image to enlarge

(they've always been there for me!)

filters

2009-08-10T09:33:00.009-04:00

i've spent a significant portion of my life (almost two decades now) battling homophobia.
my tolerance for willful ignorance has always been zero- aside from the very small margin set aside for the very elderly people in my life that are dear to me.

there is no allowance in that margin for high school classmates clinging to a ridiculously narrow and outdated world view.

in the current age of internet social networking sites, i want to thank the genius who came up with the "block" feature.

thank you granting me the power to filter out hatred and bias!

now if only i were allowed to run electric current through the bars on my front windows, i'd be a very happy man!

the clock is ticking...

2009-06-09T14:54:00.003-04:00

Lou gets back in 2 days.
The spray can of whipped cream is still in my refrigerator...

(flash forward to the movie scene with Lou asleep on my couch: a hippie-crack smile on his face. I'm at work and Jack & Lola are batting his make-shift nitrous bong around on the living room floor, fighting over the last bits of whipped cream.)

i hate whipped cream.

Ladies with Destinies

2009-05-14T09:58:00.020-04:00

i have a thing for Ladies with Destinies. They get to me.

in my teens it was Amberle Elessedil, the elf who became the next Ellcrys (a sacred tree) to save the world from being overrun by demons.

in my 20's it was Yuna, the summoner on a pilgrimmage of self-sacrfice to obtain the Final Aeon and defeat Sin.

...and now it's Juliette Burke, the scientist and Other on LOST who sacrificed herself last night to save Sawyer and Kate from getting pulled down into the stormy, electro-magnetic bowels of the island with her.

i cried my eyes out.

did you know ...

2009-05-06T15:07:00.005-04:00

... that "YOU CAN"T SIGN AN E-MAIL!"

i'd like to thank a faculty member I've never even met for that bit of wisdom (shared with me today at full volume and dripping with sarcasm sauce).

Prof. 1 asked for help putting together an award nomination for Prof. M.
She forwarded me a support letter from Prof. C to include with the submission.
I opened the letter and saw it was unsigned.
I thought this was highly unusual (support letters with no signatures being remarkably suspect) and e-mailed Prof. 1.
She told me to e-mail Prof. C.
Prof. C called me back to tell me that Prof. 1 said that her letter was going to be submitted via e-mail and "YOU CAN"T SIGN AN E-MAIL!"

I was a bit taken aback by the forcefulness. my first thought was "no duh!" then i quicky thought to myself "her statement has a zen element to it when you take it out of context. but then again, so many things do. perhaps Buddhism is all about shifts in context?"

back in the real world, my inner dialogue amounted to just brief enough of a pause to seem polite.
then I said, "I think Prof. 1 may have thought you had some type of electronic signature".
the call ended on the tone of "whatever" and instructions to call her faculty assistant, who of course has already left for the day...

where's Walter when you need him?

hosannah

2009-04-10T08:55:00.003-04:00

i was walking by a church this "good" Friday (same church from march 13: "once upon a workshop"), and saw a gaggle of ladies headed inside, and was immediately inspired to write this blog entry.

i thought to myself, "surely you can't go through with this? and TODAY of all days!"

my inner self replied, "sacriligious! they're the ones walking into the church with Dunkin' Donuts iced coffees!"

so, FYI ladies, Jesus prefers Starbucks.

kitchen appliance Yin & Yang

2009-04-08T11:39:00.010-04:00

Lou bought me a new toaster oven (for which i'm extremely grateful), but i can't seem to master it's controls.

ex: yesterday morning's toast:

one side... ... the other!

biggest LOST mystery ever?

2009-04-02T10:58:00.007-04:00

what happened to Matthew Fox's (Jack Shephard's) chest hair...?
Season 1:

oh the joy & excitement of the premiere!

and the season 3 (?) shower scene...

but now in Season 5 we have this...

are you telling me he spent his Oceanic money on manscaping?
i think i might cry :(

once upon a workshop

2009-03-13T10:13:00.005-04:00

i once attended a workshop titled "How to Stop Dating the Wrong Men"- or something like that. it was sponsored by the CDGLCC and i actually PAID $ to attend this charade.
i remembered this when i walked by the church (a church!) it was held in the other day.

i was hoping to gain some insight into my terrible dating habits. my last partner had died 2 months earlier of a drug overdose and my previous dating history, although not as fatal, was a bit of a train wreck.

through a series of circumstances i can't recall (and wasn't notified of in advance) the focus of the "workshop" became "How to Meet the Wrong Men." I guess the facilitator cancelled, so the entire event became a social meet-and-greet of sorts.

There was the meet everyone in the room schtick where you chat one-on-one until the bell rings and then find someone else. I spent many of the brief sessions "unpaired" as i refused to scurry around the room jotting down names and numbers.

Then there was the "testimonial" portion of the day, where Keith (filling in for the missing facilitator) waxed poetic about his brand new relationship of 6 months with Prince Charming and how he just KNEW it was True Love and would last 4ever.

I had been set up on a relatively informal blind date with this Prince Charming just before they started dating. There weren't any "sparks" between us- he kept playing Def Leppard songs on the jukebox- but we had remained flirty passing acquaintances, so i was probably the only person in the room who had an accurate mental picture to go with Keith's rambling personal anecdotes.

when the workshop ended, i felt as though i had been released from a trap. i was almost as relieved as when i narrowly avoided being sucked into that pyramid scheme where you hire homeless people to peddle knock-off scents on street corners.

a short time later, Prince Charming flashed me his bum in a club. Keith saw, and thus began the end of their fairytale romance.

the lesson in all this: when workshop facilitators don't show, cancel the damned workshop.

We'll wait here while Jim...

2009-02-26T11:07:00.005-05:00

For some reason last night, while out for pints with Rick, i remembered that my favorite childhood TV program was Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom.

Oh, the naivete of youth!

Marlin Perkins was everything i hoped to grow up to be; and even at a young age, i already appreciated his deadpan narrative humor from the sidelines as his co-host, Jim, attempted to approach the dangerous beast of the week.

the perfect day

2009-02-19T14:20:00.007-05:00

i'm always bumping into hidden corners in my mind.

i've just recently reconnected with Matt Abell (see Jan 8: "The Buddha Rules") through Facebook.
it's been 19 years since i've seen him.

as it turns out, i had "edited" my memories of my first man-friend and best comrade, leaving out a large portion (all) of the horribly selfish things i did to him.

in my mind, Matt and i will always be sitting on a grassy knoll at sunset in September, covered in charcoal with newsprint pads propped on our knees as we draw the trees and Matt teaches me the lyrics to an entire album of Violent Femmes songs.

this is my perfect day.

mark your calendars!

2009-02-11T16:15:00.003-05:00

there was a french question on Jeopardy last night (something about what does the ballet position "en cloche" resemble).

i got it RIGHT & Lou got it WRONG!

he said "clock", but i knew it was "bell".

i will always remember this day!

revenge is a dish best served...

2009-02-10T11:51:00.004-05:00

... already eaten.

this isn't from the distant past, but i can't let myself forgot the meanest thing i've done so far this year (it's still early).

i brought in 2 dozen cupcakes to share yesterday.
after dropping them off in the staff lounge and sending out an e-mail to everyone, Paul came into my office and asked me to return a china plate to Annette (the micro-management monster woman) for him.
i wasn't very excited about the idea. it's my general practice to avoid her if at all possible, which is easier now that i don't work for her and have my office in a different building.

so when Nilsa came to get cupcakes for everyone in the other building and didn't have a way to carry them, i happily offered her Annette's plate.
i stacked it full of cupcakes (making sure to get some crumbs on it) and told her to be sure to return the plate to Annette- empty.

if you don't think this was mean, then you have no idea how much Annette likes cupcakes.

Dear Diary: 03-09-08

2009-02-10T09:52:00.013-05:00

... a short scene from the forthcoming made-for-TV-movie of my life story:

Roll the clip...

(Two men inside a small car as it pulls out of a major mall parking lot)
FREDD: Did you like the movie?
(long pause)
LOU: Yeah.
(long pause while the car veers around a sharp curve)
FREDD: I'm still not sure why Juno reminded Siobhan of me.
LOU: Huh.
FREDD: And a couple of other people have said that same thing.
LOU: I guess they are trying to tell you that you are a bitch.
FREDD: What? Juno wasn't a bitch. I liked her.
LOU: Exactly.
(very long pause)
FREDD: It must be because her scarf is like mine.
LOU: Yeah, I'm sure that's it.
(fade out as car goes around a sharp curve and disappears from view, errant seagulls caw in the background)

Intro. to Architecture:

2009-02-09T11:56:00.012-05:00

first year of college, first class of the day.
there are a bunch of "wacky" things that stick in my head from this class (mostly the weird singing/chanting from "Atlantean"- or at least Steve's comedic impression of it), but there was one lesson in particular i tried to incorporate into my life as a habit.
Never leaving the same way you came?
Never take the same route twice?
i'm sure Patrick Quinn had a more eloquent way of phrasing it, but you get the general idea.

i put this lesson into practice for years, keeping my senses "stimulated" in my daily patterns, forcing myself to re-experience the "familiar" as "new", when viewed from a different angle.

this habit changed when i decided to "go green" and not own a car (for safety and financial reasons more than environmental ones). it just faded away (rather quickly) as the daily routine of walking to and from work became just that: routine.

it's been 8 years (2 at my current job).
i walk the exact same route every day.
i know when to step over buckles in the sidewalk and where puddles will appear in rainstorms.
i can tell whether i'm running early or late by the traffic patterns at key intersections.

my pedestrian commute has become everything Prof. Quinn warned against.
my brain focuses inward rather than outward.
while walking to/from work, i am almost completely unaware of my external environment.
instead i'm planning my day, thinking deep thoughts and giving my neuroses some structured time of their own.

as a result, my insomnia has disappeared and, in reasonable weather, I get in about an extra hour of reading a day.

The Buddha Rules

2009-01-08T14:36:00.021-05:00

as a freshman at RPI (1989) i was experiencing my second childhood (although one could argue it was kind of my first).

i had Winnie-the-Pooh sheets on my dorm bed, flashlights shaped like fish, a basketball net laundry basket, and a big blue stuffed dog named "Freddie".

in the drawer of my studio desk i had one of those see-through plastic toy guns that shot "gloop" (if you don't what this stinky, toxic, fabric staining stuff is you can still find it in it's plastic bubble in some gumball machines).

this became the Buddha Gun, a weapon used to enforce the Buddha Rules; 13 bits (a baker's dozen, not the superstitious kind of 13) of esoteric "wisdom" (created by Matt Abel- where are you!, Marq Mosier and myself), named so due to one of my instructor's inability to pronounce my last name correctly (she was French and will remain unnamed in this blog entry for fear of retribution).

A typical scenario would involve interrupting a conversation, rattling off one or more of the Buddha Rules and punctuating the entire exchange with a shot of gloop to someone (else's) head.

As you can imagine, this was not nearly as endearing as i imagined it to be at the time.

The only rule i can remember now is "Jell-O doesn't stick to Jell-O".

Rather than try to scour my brain for the other 12 rules, I've decided to begin anew, keeping only the jell-O rule.

I will return to this post to update it as i come up with new (possibly even improved) Buddha Rules, so be sure to check back!

THE BUDDHA RULES:

1. Jell-O doesn't stick to Jell-O

2. a stale apple fritter is better than no apple fritter

3. More $ ≠ More Important

4. never let a little thing like total public humiliation get in the way of having a good time.

5. white trash problems require white trash solutions

6. the second bottle of champagne is never as good an idea as it seems.

7. neither is the second mint-chocolate-chip milkshake before going to bed (see BR#6).

8. never eat Cheetos before playing with yourself

10.

11.

12.

BONUS:

The Year of the Ox

2009-01-07T08:46:00.012-05:00

the holidays have come & gone, but Inauguration Day, the LOST season premiere, my 38th B-Day, and Chinese New Year (Barack Obama is an "Ox", i'm a "Dog") are all just around the corner.

to get anyone reading this caught up; since my last entry i've:
- become a 2 remote household (something i've always hated and sworn i'd never do). i now have one remote to turn the TV on & off and a different remote to change the station.
- had a nightmare that GW Bush did away with World AIDS Day
- cleaned my refrigerator for the first time since i moved in, in 2002
- ordered Chinese food for delivery (i have take-out phobia and always make someone else do it for me).

i was reminiscing about past New Year's Eves, and the first thing i thought of was the burnt fish sticks.

(the second thing i thought of was Marq's Purim Party, but Purim's in March so i must have had it mixed up with Easter- although i could have sworn this was when she taught me the words to "Mele Kalikimaka"...?)

back to the fish sticks.
i was living in Latham (and owned a car) and Heath was in town from California so i decided to have a New Year's party. EVERYONE i invited (about 8 people) cancelled at the VERY last minute.
rather than force Heath to sit in my house and eat 5 people's share of dip, we went out for drinks.
at Wrinkle Room i started tying helium filled balloons to various parts of Heath's outfit until he resembled a puppet. i tied one to his zipper, to counteract it's ability to unzip itself.
everything was sort of OK- until he walked in.
one of my invited no-show party guests (who had begged off due to illness) - Chris Pulcher (an ex i was still kind of seeing).
i sauntered up to him with some sarcastic comment.
he made fun of my retro winter coat with it's humongous fur collar.
i started punching him in the face and the bouncers kicked him out.
(i haven't seen him since)

i don't remember the rest of the night.
i know that Heath and i got back to my apartment in the wee morning hours completely wasted (yes, i somehow drove, but save your moralizing for someone who hurt someone before learning their lesson).
we were both starving, so i put an entire box of fish sticks in the oven.

we woke up in the living room much later that morning.

all that were left of the fish sticks (which i believe had been cooking for about 6 1/2 hours) were blackened ashy husks.

so we went out to breakfast...

Seasons Greetings!

2008-12-17T11:11:00.003-05:00

the secret to happiness

2008-12-09T09:58:00.003-05:00

any day without my dog is automatically a bad day.

Ruby Slippers: part 1

2008-12-04T11:38:00.007-05:00

i had a sangria party once while sharing a sublet on 8th Street in Troy (the one where i used my orange sectional couch as a bed - i wish i still had that!) with 2 uptight female grad students.

they must not have been around that evening...

i made the sangria with my secret recipe (which includes an entire bottle of wormless tequila).

Cole wore the boom-boom skirt (i think this may have been the last time i saw her in it, since this would be the night i introduced her to her future husband, John).

i wore THE silver v-necked pantsuit, pink rhinestone studded cats-eye sunglasses, black & white striped leggings and a pair of ruby(ish) slippers that left a trail of glitter everywhere i went.

i made the ruby slippers from a pair of over-sized women's blue suede(ish) shoes that i had previously worn as part of an Elvis H'Ween costume (i need to remember to get that story up here some time soon!). I covered the shoes in Elmer's glue (a bit too liberally) and then doused them in glitter. I didn't have enough red (I always had glitter on me in those days) so I mixed in some pink .

if you've ever tried to do this the way i did, you know it didn't work well.

i think Conon may have been at this party- although i'm not sure.

i may have just met him.

i don't think anyone appreciated the ruby(ish) slippers as much as i did. They were relatively difficult for me to walk in (being too large and having clunky heels), and as a result i kept clomping around in them leaving chucks of glittery still-wet Elmer's glue all over- which in turn was finding it's way onto everyone else's shoes, etc...

i didn't last in them the whole night and by morning they were a bit of a wreck, but i kept those shoes.

and later i used their symbolic power in much the same way Dorothy did...

i've been poisoned twice so far this year

2008-12-03T14:26:00.005-05:00

the first time was H'Ween.
(i made it all the way until October for the first attempt!)
i'm sure someone at Jamie's party put something in my drink(s). Jamie was dressed as Eve (although i thought she was Tinker Bell until she put the snake back on), and there is that whole poison apple thing.
OK- so it wasn't a poison apple, just a forbidden one and i didn't even eat an apple.
But i WAS definitely poisoned!

the second time was the night before T-Day.
I had dinner with Rick at the Tavern that evening and i'm almost 100% sure that Tess put some Visine or Liquid Plumber in my onion ring batter.
OK- maybe she had someone else do it.

i guess the good news is that it's December, so perhaps i've reached my annual quota of attempts on my life (or at least on my health).
although if you look for a pattern, perhaps i should skip X-Mas...

1 little, 2 little geishas...

2008-12-02T10:34:00.012-05:00

now there are only 2 left.

i think there were once 7 - maybe even 9?

the geisha figurines i bought at THE Art on Lark with Heath. it wasn't actually Art on Lark (same day, slightly "out-of-bounds" location) but a rummage sale across from the shops on Hamilton Street.

i think this might be when we met Gari-Lynn and Richard.

or did Heath already know Richard? i guess i actually did too, from the night Conon tried to deliver him to me in Colonie.

regardless - my point is that the 2 that are left are from BEFORE.

before 9/11.

before Mike died.

before the BID.

before Lola.

everything is so very different now.

these days i look at the 2 figurines, each encased in their glass dome and balanced on top of the TV that i use for video games, and i pretend they are mini-statues of Heath & I, timeless and preserved for the sake of posterity.

AVON calling!

2008-11-29T09:15:00.008-05:00

last night i dreamt that i worked for Anne Slowey in a secret upscale office complex across from the Bomber's parking lot.

i was her personal assistant - the other person in her Albany office was a receptionist that reminded me of Luna Lovegood.

in my dream, Anne asked me to do was to take care of AVON orders she had collected at a party the night before from 2 of her close friends/colleagues.
the forms had a name and a list of everything the person wanted, but no delivery address, billing information or signature.

the AVON of my subconscious was incredibly more bureaucratic than i've ever experienced in real life, so i spent a good portion of my dream running around asking for advice (Luna was, as expected, absolutely no help at all).

i did eventually manage to pull the whole thing off with some help from a lovely, matronly AVON expert from the secret office complex next door.
then Lola woke me up and scared the bejeesus out of me- just to make sure i was really awake.

"the mound"

2008-11-20T10:14:00.008-05:00

if you knew me (and my design work) in college, then you should see some serious echoes from my 2nd year projects in this photo.

true, Renzo Piano has added layers of functionality, aestheticism and viability to his design for the California Academy of Sciences that i could never have achieved in my naive and sophomoric academic exercises.

but keep in mind...

that was before "GREEN" architecture.

that was before there was a language of sustainability.

maybe i would have been good at this after all?

pink hearts

2008-11-18T09:09:00.015-05:00

while eating a bowl of chocolate Lucky Charms this morning (yup- they "chocolatized" them!) and staring at the floating marshmallow shapes, i realized that only the pink heart has been with me since the beginning.

i remember when they added the blue diamonds (which are now blue moons- when did that happen?).

i remember the purple horseshoes.
i think i even vaguely recall the red balloons and rainbows (although i think i may have been in college at that point).

but when did the green clovers become leprechaun hats?

when did the orange stars become shooting stars?

when did the yellow moons become hourglasses?

o woe is me. i can't help but (overdramatize?) feel that when the pink hearts go, i shall follow them!

Prop 8

2008-11-13T11:27:00.003-05:00

i'm sad (and embarassed) to say that i have trouble imagining myself taking a politically active stand on this issue.

i love love love the fact that people are starting to use the correct rhetoric for the situation — putting this in the context of the civil liberties movement of (a mere!) 30 years ago — but i just can't personally convince myself that i'm a second class American citizen because i'm not allowed to legally marry a man.

i don't see the institution of marriage as having anything to do with love, so i don't feel particularly deprived of anything meaningful. i've yet to encounter one single real life example of love between a married couple (straight or otherwise, legal or not).

i feel like if i jumped on this particular bandwagon, i'd have to acknowledge the "sanctity" of marriage as an institution.
i'd have to give up my complete lack of interest in what i see as an empty, formal, failing institution to say that i feel like less of a person because i can't get married.

currently, i don't want what "they" have.

i do hold out the slightest hope that should the federal government ever decide to uphold my constitutional rights and allow marriage between homosexual couples, perhaps then i will find deep within myself some belief in love, the way that i found a long forgotten sense of patriotism when Barack Obama was elected.

all that said, any time i am given the chance to vote to keep or abolish any of my, or anyone elses, constitutional rights, i will vote to keep them.

shame on every single person in this country who has ever done otherwise.

grommets?

2008-11-07T09:54:00.006-05:00

she's got to go- Susie Smith has to get voted off Survivor.

i thought for sure she was going last week; when she somehow squeaked by i thought she would definitely get voted off last night.

nope.

she's still there.

it's not that i dislike her personality (a bit high-strung) or her playing style (erratic).

it's those damn double smears on the front of her dusty pink blouse.

it's like she wipes all the filth of the island onto her breasts- every week they get blacker and shinier.

i shudder every time i look at them.

it's like she's blacktating!

please send Susie home... please send Susie home... please send Susie home...

2008-11-06T13:11:00.004-05:00

i remember the days just before christmas 2002, after finding out that Mike had died on the bus from Vermont to Albany to spend thanksgiving with me.
i kept going into work, because i didn't know what else to do.
i sat at my desk and stared at my computer listening to "When It's Cold I'd Like to Die" by Moby.
i moved files around, pretending to organize myself when all i was really doing was trying to keep from being swallowed by the darkness inside me.

there is no such thing as "Grief" - it's not like "Love" (the capital "L" refers to the universal concept of idealized Love on the personal level and not the "i love butter" meaning).

Love is something that is inherently shared.
grief cannot ever be.

Love can go away.
grief is always there.

controlling it is like trying to submerge a Styrofoam flotation device. it's possible- with careful and constant attention.
and then a wave sneaks up on you and upsets the delicate balance; leaving you disoriented, clinging to the flotation device, looking at the drivers of every white boxy white car that passes, hoping it was all a bad dream.

76 Days

2008-11-05T12:43:00.002-05:00

I woke up this morning feeling as though things might be returning to normal, at least for the country.
Obama will take office on January 20th.
I'm relieved, and proud to have cast my vote to end the Bush Dynasty.

I think I'll celebrate by going out for Chinese.

24 years...

2008-10-14T14:14:00.011-04:00

"Sandworms of Dune" the 8th book of the late Frank Herbert's Dune Chronicles. It is also the last of the series; a series i started reading when i was 13.

Sure, there are prequels and companion series i can read- but it's not the same.

I will be forever indebted to Brian Herbert for bringing his father's epic tale to a close, but i just can't seem to get around the fact that the story is OVER (i finished reading the book last night).

As much as i wanted to pronlong the experience, I found myself unable to read the book slowly. I devoured it, just as i had each of the other installments in the series.

I've purchased the first 4 of Stephen King's Gunslinger series, insuring that i will at least have another vast epic story in my life.

But things just won't ever be the same....

one in a zillion

2008-09-30T13:45:00.005-04:00

1989- freshman year. Marq finds a perfectly round rock in the gravel of the Quad and we develop a shared worldview that highlights how special we are.

What are the odds right? It must be extremely rare that a rock is formed or eroded into a perfect sphere (the proof being that neither of us had EVER seen a perfectly round rock before).

Then add to it the odds that a perfectly round rock would just happen to be in the gravel path leading to our dormitory, and that we would be the ones to find it.

We spent the rest of the day reveling in our new found optimism, having learned from our discovery that the world is full of magic, miracles can happen and that everyone and everything in the universe was connected and in sync (it only took one rock).

Oh, the blissful Eden of ignorance! Our only mistake was to share our discovery. Had we kept it between the two of us, we might still be riding that cosmic high.

It was Adam who sent our new belief system back into the void.

He took one look at our treasure and he told us that it was a marble.

Disappointed would be an understatement.

i felt something intangible inside me collapse and shatter.

i knew as soon as he said it that he was right.

i realized there had been a voice inside my head all along; telling me that whatever the explanation for the round rock, that it was totally "normal"- i.e. not special.

Marq helped me drown out that voice.

In case anyone reading this knew/knows Marq, and has wondered what drew us to each other, I was very briefly able to see the world through different eyes because of her.

Because of her round rock.

This fleeting glimpse of a rose-colored world has helped me get through many things since then. I hope it's helped her in some way too.

if it's Borden...

2008-09-16T14:26:00.013-04:00

I spent about 20 years carting around a can of Borden's chocolate condensed milk.

I must have moved about 45 times and it was always right there in my cupboard.
every one who had any reason to go into my kitchen cupboard asked about that can.

"what is that?"

I told everyone that it was my cure for a really bad day.

"what do you do with it?"

I told everyone that it was the recipe for sunshine in a can; just add can opener and a spoon.
the truth is i had never even tried it.
i don't even know where the can came from.
then one day, I DID have a really bad day.

and I ate it.

it was terrible.
it wasn't even very chocolatey.
needless to say, I haven't bothered to buy a new can.

it did improve my mood, though. I hadn't laughed in days, but I couldn't contain the ironic hilarity.
I was laughing so hard that I almost spit out the gooey mess at least half a dozen times.

it wasn't pretty.

a return to AVALON

2008-09-03T12:09:00.005-04:00

no druids in this one... sorry to you fantasy folk who ended up here by mistake.

my 35th birthday! perhaps the Golden Age of my human lifespan? everything and everyone seemed almost balanced (except Lou who was temporarily out of the picture).

i convinced JJ & Big Mac to go to Boston to celebrate. John and Shaun might have been there too- and the Hawaiian Republican guy and possibly someone else?

we stayed at Ross's apartment just outside the city and drove into Avalon (now closed) on a Sunday night- just like i used to every week when i lived in the Harvard dormitory supply closet.

i remember doing some shots.

i remember some drag queen noticing that i kept puking in between shots.

i remember the crazy raver girl DJ played the house classic "Voices", a favorite of mine!

i remember the traditional end of the night trip to IHOP.

and then, just to emblazon the event in my memory forever, the very next day i ended up with the responsibility of telling everyone who spent the night at Ross's to check themselves for Phthirus pubis (crabs).

Yup.

a near miss for everyone but JJ, who had transported critters back across state lines.

it took about 6 months before he agreed it was a funny story...

sister, can you spare a lane?

2008-08-22T11:08:00.011-04:00

OR: "why are some lesbians so anti-social?"

this past June, i attended a Gay Pride event at a bowling alley with my boyfriend, his straight twin brother and my best friend. The group of lovely lesbians in the lane next to us asked if we wouldn't mind moving somewhere away from them - they wanted to create a "ladies only" space.

seriously? "ladies"?

i know, love and respect a handful of delightful woman-loving females. MY lesbian friends seem to be the exception to this "ladies only" law.

i've thought about this on-and-off since June and come to the conclusion that some lesbians would prefer a lesbian-only world. perhaps they are even secretly planning some type of vagina revolution?

so much for "strength through diversity"...

although i'm not as upset about this anymore, i refuse to not have the last word. so here's my comment:

southern hospitality

2008-08-20T12:09:00.005-04:00

in theory it was a great idea. use the three-day 2003 MLK holiday weekend to drive non-stop from Troy, NY to pre-Katrina New Orleans- for dinner. we justified the trip by planning to stop in Mound Bayou, Mississippi to document the site for the School of Blues 4th year vertical studio.

i remember Shakti and Steve and Chris were on the trip. i'm unsure but i think Adam was there, too? there must have been 1 more person i'm forgetting?
whose car did we take?

i've no idea who navigated (not me). i think i even managed to squeak through the 60 hours of driving without taking a turn at the wheel...

what i think about now is what a shipwrecked bunch we must have seemed when we landed in Mound Bayou (we never made it to New Orleans). there were dozens of photos documenting the entire town. who knows if any of them still exist- maybe in a forgotten shoe box in the back of one of our closets (not mine).

the pictures didn't capture the best parts of that trip:
the brusque waitress with the bandaged knuckles in the Tennessee diner
the home cooked feast made for us in Mound Bayou by complete strangers (best fried chicken ever !)
waking up parked outside of Hershey Park (closed for the season) because Shakti wanted to see the place

this remains to this day, by far, my best use of Martin Luther King Day.

things you should never do after having a root canal

2008-08-15T16:01:00.004-04:00

my post-endodontist, pre-gelaterie shopping spree at Target yesterday left me with a beautiful belt (2 sizes too small) and great new underwear (2 sizes too big).

oh well...

gold lamé

2008-08-12T10:10:00.000-04:00

there was a time (while living in a supply closet in a Harvard dormitory for example) that i wouldn't have considered any outfit for a "night out on the town" complete unless it shimmered, glittered or sparkled.
the gold lamé blouse/coat/jacket was my favorite at the time; but there was also the sparkly silver top made of steel wool and christmas tree tinsel, the sheer shirt with the rhinestone bauble buttons (that i gave right off my back to Chris from RPI one night at the Power Company), the green silk blouse with the victorian ruffle collar, and the most famous- the silver pantsuit (i'll have to remember to make a separate entry about this outfit that includes Cole's boom-boom skirt).

my closet can still be raided by just about anyone (size, gender and age not being a real issue), but that resplendent metallic sheen i was once so fond of can now only be found in my collection of Sal's Boutique neckties.

what ever happened to that pair of panties?

2008-08-11T15:56:00.001-04:00

i remember my lack of inhibition, my inability to behave appropriately, my desperate need to be the center of attention.

Camp Uncas, 1992?
we were invited to use the sauna (i remember Jason being there and the owner and my boss). an outdoor sauna on a lake in the Adirondacks. there's something primal about the memory that will always make every other hot tub or hotel jacuzzi seem like a pale reflection of a greater truth.
perhaps that's what inspired me to create a dance to make the stars come out.

just me in my underwear (my favorite pair, the pair i stole from Joe Marco, the kind with the cloth waistband before that was really popular), stomping the ground shouting out Violent Femme lyrics, arms flailing legs kicking.

Jason was a good enough friend to join in (this must have happened before i drove his car off the road and halfway down the mountain and totalled it- that was awkward!).

i've changed so much- i could never do this again. not the same way.

pass me a wishbone

2008-08-08T09:03:00.000-04:00

i want to be taken care of. not in the way most people mean. maybe there's a better phrase for it...

i want someone in the waiting room. waiting. worried about me, helping me make important decisions.

doesn't seem like a big deal when i write it here. but it is.

beaches

2008-08-07T14:18:00.001-04:00

Siobhan is at the beach. thinking of the beach may take my mind off the pain in my teeth while i wait for a specialist to call me back.

i wonder if she's at the beach we skipped off to that one summer in 1993 with Bill Bowen's blue car?

i don't remember the trip there.

i don't remember what i did when i was there.

i do remember the part of the return trip that involved standing by the side of the road because Bill Bowen's blue car got a flat tire.

What ever made him decide to leave me his car keys when he went away is truly beyond me at this point.

i think i may have agreed to water his plants until he got back or something.

i don't remember how we (who was "We"?) got back to Troy.

i think i left the doughnut on his car and told him it happened "locally" and never mentioned that trip to the beach again...

angry inch?

2008-08-06T13:54:00.000-04:00

i'm about 80% sure my iPod is sentient; or at least has some method of bioelectrical communication with my brain.
i'm sitting here trying to recount the time period in 1993(?) surrounding having two of my wisdom teeth removed (inspired by the excruciating painflul reality that one of the remaining two has decided to emerge), and my iPod starts playing "Angry Inch" from Hedwig.
yup- sassy little gadget.

granted, the angry inch busting through my gums isn't anywhere near as dramtic as Hedwig's. there will be no rock operas based on my upcoming oral surgery, but i have to give the iPod a little credit for it's seemingly irreverent relevance.

what i remember most about the first time i had wisdom teeth removed:
1. i was too drugged to write a check afterwards and never paid off the balance of what i owed the marvelous dentist i never met with the amazing experimental painkillers (50% was due up front so he didn't get totally screwed).
2. 4th year vertical studio was my Hare Krishna and Rubenesque Woman phase. I recall Ken finding me staring out the window with a long strand of drool connecting my chin to a sketched cross section of my School for the Blues in Mound Bayou, Mississippi (he sent me home).

...and that's about it. two weeks = two memories.
maybe i slept a lot?

ORIGINS: 1989

2008-08-05T11:10:00.001-04:00

is there anyone else out there who remembers this?
unfortunately, i've forgotten all the names.
my memory only pulls up blurry outlines of the others.
i remember watching a Monty Python movie, but i'm not even sure which one.

it was purely a circumstantial designation.

prom night in a small town; a group of teens out for a walk.
lights, sirens and 5 police cars full of cops with guns aimed at us transformed us into something else.
VANDALS, according to the astute law enforcement team that had set up the blockade to catch us.

we knew that wasn't quite the right label though.
we didn't match the descriptions of the true culprits and were eventually allowed to go.
hopefully not a surprise to you, the reader (not yet, anyway).

we became DESPERADOS.
Des`per*a"do\, n.: a person urged by furious passions, and regardless of consequence; a wild ruffian.
it was just another description we didn't match.

at the time, i thought the title and the solidarity of our mistaken identity would tie us together forever. today, i can't even remember if i ever saw any of them again...