I’m trying very hard to leave the terrible memories of my mother’s passing behind. Watching her die, knowing she was in pain and not being able to do anything for her, seeing the fear in her eyes – those were simply the hardest things I’ve ever had to endure and they haunt me.
But I have a fantastic memory that I’d like to share with you, if you don’t mind. I feel like if I share it, maybe the memory will get stronger; and eventually I will be able to use it like a beautiful handmade blanket, and throw it over the bad memories to hide them.
The day before my mother passed away, my sister, my niece and I were sitting on the living floor in my sister’s house eating ice cream, right next to Mom’s hospital bed. Her bed was higher up, so we couldn’t see her but we were close enough to hear her breathing and ready to jump up if she seemed distressed in any way.
I put something from the carpet into Clarissa’s ice cream bowl when she wasn’t looking. When she dramatically discovered it, we all laughed for the first time that day. I couldn’t stop laughing, and when I couldn’t breathe because I was laughing so hard, I blacked out - just for a second.
When I regained consciousness, there was ice cream all over my face and clothes.
Within the next half hour something else that we found particularly hilarious (I’ve forgotten what at this point) got us all laughing again, and I laughed until I blacked out again. By this point I had a terrible headache and decided it was time for bed.
I laid awake in the spare room for hours, thinking about how ridiculous it was to be sitting next to a dying woman, my mother, and laughing like nothing was wrong. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was what everyone needed, Mom most of all.
One of her very last memories will be of her family sitting around her and laughing. Laughing until we choked, cried and peed our pants (in my sister’s case).
I know if she had been at all able to, she would have been laughing too.
