The Buddha Rules

as a freshman at RPI (1989) i was experiencing my second childhood (although one could argue it was kind of my first).

i had Winnie-the-Pooh sheets on my dorm bed, flashlights shaped like fish, a basketball net laundry basket, and a big blue stuffed dog named "Freddie".

in the drawer of my studio desk i had one of those see-through plastic toy guns that shot "gloop" (if you don't what this stinky, toxic, fabric staining stuff is you can still find it in it's plastic bubble in some gumball machines).

this became the Buddha Gun, a weapon used to enforce the Buddha Rules; 13 bits (a baker's dozen, not the superstitious kind of 13) of esoteric "wisdom" (created by Matt Abel- where are you!, Marq Mosier and myself), named so due to one of my instructor's inability to pronounce my last name correctly (she was French and will remain unnamed in this blog entry for fear of retribution).

A typical scenario would involve interrupting a conversation, rattling off one or more of the Buddha Rules and punctuating the entire exchange with a shot of gloop to someone (else's) head.

As you can imagine, this was not nearly as endearing as i imagined it to be at the time.

The only rule i can remember now is "Jell-O doesn't stick to Jell-O".

Rather than try to scour my brain for the other 12 rules, I've decided to begin anew, keeping only the jell-O rule.

I will return to this post to update it as i come up with new (possibly even improved) Buddha Rules, so be sure to check back!

THE BUDDHA RULES:

1. Jell-O doesn't stick to Jell-O

2. a stale apple fritter is better than no apple fritter

3. More $ ≠ More Important

4. never let a little thing like total public humiliation get in the way of having a good time.

5. white trash problems require white trash solutions

6. the second bottle of champagne is never as good an idea as it seems.

7. neither is the second mint-chocolate-chip milkshake before going to bed (see BR#6).

8. never eat Cheetos before playing with yourself

9.

10.

11.

12.

BONUS:

The Year of the Ox

the holidays have come & gone, but Inauguration Day, the LOST season premiere, my 38th B-Day, and Chinese New Year (Barack Obama is an "Ox", i'm a "Dog") are all just around the corner.

to get anyone reading this caught up; since my last entry i've:
- become a 2 remote household (something i've always hated and sworn i'd never do). i now have one remote to turn the TV on & off and a different remote to change the station.
- had a nightmare that GW Bush did away with World AIDS Day
- cleaned my refrigerator for the first time since i moved in, in 2002
- ordered Chinese food for delivery (i have take-out phobia and always make someone else do it for me).

i was reminiscing about past New Year's Eves, and the first thing i thought of was the burnt fish sticks.

(the second thing i thought of was Marq's Purim Party, but Purim's in March so i must have had it mixed up with Easter- although i could have sworn this was when she taught me the words to "Mele Kalikimaka"...?)

back to the fish sticks.
i was living in Latham (and owned a car) and Heath was in town from California so i decided to have a New Year's party. EVERYONE i invited (about 8 people) cancelled at the VERY last minute.
rather than force Heath to sit in my house and eat 5 people's share of dip, we went out for drinks.
at Wrinkle Room i started tying helium filled balloons to various parts of Heath's outfit until he resembled a puppet. i tied one to his zipper, to counteract it's ability to unzip itself.
everything was sort of OK- until he walked in.
one of my invited no-show party guests (who had begged off due to illness) - Chris Pulcher (an ex i was still kind of seeing).
i sauntered up to him with some sarcastic comment.
he made fun of my retro winter coat with it's humongous fur collar.
i started punching him in the face and the bouncers kicked him out.
(i haven't seen him since)

i don't remember the rest of the night.
i know that Heath and i got back to my apartment in the wee morning hours completely wasted (yes, i somehow drove, but save your moralizing for someone who hurt someone before learning their lesson).
we were both starving, so i put an entire box of fish sticks in the oven.

we woke up in the living room much later that morning.

all that were left of the fish sticks (which i believe had been cooking for about 6 1/2 hours) were blackened ashy husks.

so we went out to breakfast...